(painting by Virginia Frances Sterrett)
One of the many misconceptions about Etiquette is that behaving well means saying nice things. As if!
Darling, please disabuse yourself of this silly notion. Etiquette is all about the doing – it’s action-based. Any nitwit can say nice things (and many nitwits do!) but it’s your acts which are judged by the Etiquette High Table. Saying that you “mean to” check in on a sick friend or “intend to” call a child for its birthday or you “plan to” apologize for a maleficence is like saying crocodiles plan to go vegetarian.
Saying sweet things is vastly overrated and no, Darling, I do not mean you can commence with the cussing (we leave that to Roy Kent) or the infantile, baseless complaining (we leave that to les Trumps). Doing kindly deeds is always in style and keeps your hair glossy, but the key is in the “doing,” not the talking about it beforehand or proposing or organizing or writing it on your to-do list.
Now, intentions for yourself – that is a different matter. Intentions which do not carry any weight in terms of other people, are golden when you make them for yourself. Mood boards galore I say! Fung shui! Draw up plans for a 5-step facial regime or a 7-step networking for new job bonanza. The year is half-way over, so figuring out some goals for yourself is an excellent idea.
But intending to do something nice for someone else gives you exactly zero cosmic brownie points – know this and know this well. If you want to keep in touch with dear aunt Augustina, then get your iced coffee and start writing. If you want to support your friend’s business then get your credit card and start shopping. If you want to make amends, get in your car and start driving so you can issue that apology in person.
The goal, Darling, is to have as few “I should haves” in your life as possible. You do not want to leave your bad behavior unatoned for – your dear colleague uncared for. Find your willpower wherever it is hiding and get on with it!
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